i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
