You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Mom said you looked used
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
