One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
