I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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