I wanna passion pit in your ass
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
