I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
