I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
