Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
