Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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