if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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