I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize