Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
from now on my penis is your penis
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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