I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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