If i come over, it means nothing
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
