You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
