I smell stomach acid.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
