It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
