dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
