i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
