I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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