So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
