so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
