I met the friendliest cop last night
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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