I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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