Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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