Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
