Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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