thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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