i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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