Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
