Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
