I'm pants shitting drunk right now
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Randomize
