Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
