Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
