there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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