my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
