my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
