i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
