I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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