Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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