I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
