the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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