i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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