Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
