Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
