we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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