i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
