i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
