Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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