Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
